


Thoughts at the end, or thoughts at the beginning?

by Raelae



Category: Cowboy Bebop
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 03:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3158747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raelae/pseuds/Raelae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the final moments of the last episode of the series, Spike reflects on his life up to that point as he's slowly falling to the floor after his fight with Vicious. Will he discover more then he ever knew about himself in these final moments? Are they even his final moments?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Set entirely from Spikes point of view.</p>
<p>Short one shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thoughts at the end, or thoughts at the beginning?

They say when your life is coming to an end, when the final moments of it all are being snuffed out from existence, it all flashes before your eyes. Your life. Everything that once was, blazing like the vast flames that once rose from it.   
I never took those words seriously before. How could anyone's life, no matter how long or how short, flash before them before death overtook them? It always seemed like a fantasy to me. Just another bit of hope on behalf of a human being who refused to believe that nothing existed after.  
Then again, no one ever does no those answers till that moment comes right? I was always a rational man, so things like the afterlife never were really entertained by my thoughts. But even so, I always found myself doing the very things I questioned. Always found myself searching out old man Bull, looking for answers through his mysticism. Watching as he'd sift the sand through his fingers and tell me what he saw. He was always right by the way. Yet I still refused to believe.

Maybe I refused to because then I wouldn't have to answer for anything. Answer for the countless numbers of people I killed over the years. The things I sold, the lies I told. My whole life was a life of sin, and maybe, just maybe, I was avoiding the thought to avoid possibly paying for my mistakes later on.

That was probably it in all honesty. Cause as I tell these very words to no one but myself, I have yet to hit the ground. I'm thinking these things, remembering things...just like people said. I see all my days as a bratty kid, running rampant in the streets day and night, stealing and making others lives a living hell. I see the day, the first time I got caught. Man, that had been a laugh. Some ISSP officer trying his best to give me one of those 'life changing' talks. 'If you keep on this path this will happen or that will happen. You'll spend more time in jail then you will being free. You'll become a drug abusing punk.'

...yeah, the typical pep talk adults and officials give to scare any kid straight. Obviously that didn’t work now did it? I don't know how many times I was in jail by the time I was eighteen, but it was a lot. And it wasn't too long after that I found the Red Dragons. I wasn't much in those days, just a money peddler, going around collecting protection money and bribery cash. Sticking a gun in anyone's face who failed to comply.  
I do admit in those early days there was never any ammo in the clip. You had to work your way up to weapons believe it or not, so you just got an empty gun to make people piss their pants.

But I got good, and I got good fast. I earned my place and my gun. I earned a damn good reputation as well. I was a dead shot, someone not to be messed with. I could even be cold and calculating. Not really that hard to be actually, when it's only you. There was never anyone waiting for me. My family had been long gone for ages now, so what I did was solely on me.

Problem with that...is there's no one to stop you from making mistakes. Joining the Red Dragons was my biggest one, though it took me forever to figure that one out. It wasn't till I met Vicious that things really started to change.  
Me and him were the best of friends, don't get me wrong. But he could be a hell of a scary guy if you crossed him. He could get colder than anyone I have ever met. You could even see it in the elders eyes, they feared him. They had never been quite sure about Vicious. Always trust your instincts I guess. 

As for me, I never really had a problem with him. We got along alright, even with everything he said he had faced on Titan. Most veterans there came back real fucked up.  
Honestly with Vicious...it was hard to tell if he was fucked up or not. He was already a real messed up guy, I really don't understand why I befriended him.

But things crashed and burned after that. Everything changed when Julia entered the picture. She was with Vicious, yeah. But it didn't stop me from looking. I just couldn't. I always felt like it was just some attraction on a physical level. I liked what I saw and I had to have a taste of it. 

...that's what I thought anyway. I got my chance to have a taste, and I liked it. I realized that night, it wasn't just something on the surface. It was the first time in my life I truly gave a shit about something, hell, someone. Problem was, it was a deadly game I was playing.  
Sure, it's always a precarious game when you're sleeping around with someone else's girl. But this was Vicious' girl. It was downright suicide.  
But we continued the game anyway. I fell in love with her and there was no way in hell I was ever letting her go.

...I guess that was just a diluted dream wasn't it? I asked her to come with me, to leave the hell of bloodshed behind. But I never took into account Vicious. He knew. He had always known. For the longest time I always wondered why he never did anything about it, why he didn't outright kill me. Figured it out now. He wanted to cause pain, as much as he could, to both of us for what we did. He ordered her to kill me, which she couldn't do. And I...didn't see her again for years. The worst pain often times is separation.  
Funny how the first time we did see eachother again after all that time...was with her doing exactly what she was supposed to all those years ago. Meet me with a gun raised.  
She is the only person in the world I would have allowed to kill me. Weird to say I know, saying you'd be fine with the one you loved killing you. But maybe it's because I knew she'd follow right after. She made a mistake in Vicious...she found herself in me...

But there's also an old saying people like to use just as much as the life before your eyes one. You live by the sword...you die by the sword...or gun in our cases. It was inevitable that this was how it was all to end up. I should have known that day of atonement came when the attack did, when Jet got all shot up. And then Julia...Faye saying I'd know where to meet her...Lin's death...Shin's death...hell, I suppose I should have seen it back when Mao was killed. But it just seemed like internal politics at that time...I should have taken it more seriously.   
Now Annie was gone...and...and Julia...my world crashed. And yet, in all that chaos..I returned to them. I returned to the Bebop to give my version of a final goodbye.  
Honestly...I didn't expect Faye's reaction. I didn't expect the pain I heard in her voice...I didn't...realize how much this had become my family. An ex ISSP detective...a greedy bitchy woman...a kid and a dog...all things I should have despised. And for the most part did. Jet was the very thing I used to fight against often, Faye was the kind of woman I avoided, and I hated kids and dogs...just...when had everything changed? When did I miss it all? When did I become such a sap?

Guess that doesn't really matter now does it? When I finally realize how much I have...I lose it all. I actually...wish I could go back. Take all the shit they'd throw at me for being an ass...or a lunkhead as the girls would call me.  
That's all gone now isn't it? All in a future that won't exist for me. My life lead me to them, if I had taken a different path would I have ever even met them? How could I wish for a different outcome if I don't even know if a different path would have been any better? Don't join the Red Dragons and possibly never meet them? Or join the Red Dragons and be forced to say goodbye because of my choice?

...Christ. Was I ever even meant to be happy?

...and why...above everything else...why do I keep seeing that look on Faye's face? That pain. I have to admit...my heart clenched when she broke down, though I couldn't understand why. I had to walk away from her, I couldn't look at her face anymore for fear that I may falter. I had to finish things...no matter what it did to anyone else. Call me a dick if you like, but it was best for them. They nearly died because of me. So it was right for me to shrug them off right?  
Tch. Who the hell am I even talking to? It's just me in this failing brain of mine. There's no one to answer my questions.  
So why then...am I asking them?  
I never thought dying would be anything like this...I was always ok with it. Prepared...maybe I wasn't...cause right now, I don't want to go. I want to stay...I want to see what that weird band of friends of mine might do next. Cause I know damn well Ed and Ein will come back, they have to...and Faye...I want to know what that look meant...

...things are going dull now...lights cloudy...I think I finally hit the floor. Heh...guess your whole life really can flash before you before you die...but I don't want to now...I'm not as ready as I thought I was...I wonder...I should have asked old man Bull...can a star fade but still live on...somehow...? Because I can still feel the pain...pain means I'm alive...I'm alive...

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I wanted to do quick since I just finally got my blu-ray version of the series. Been waiting years for it. >> SO I thought I'd just do a little something for it.
> 
> Don't worry, other stories are still being worked on at the moment as well. ^^


End file.
